Monday, July 6, 2009

A REFLECTIVE DAY..............

I rarely have trouble sleeping, but last night I was up and down all night. It's aggravating when you're SO tired and sleep just doesn't come. I finally fell asleep around 5:30am and slept until 11:30am.
It's been a weird day, where I managed to complete a few rather small things I had to do, but my mind wouldn't cooperate and kept going over and over things I'm troubled by. I can't seem to make some tough decisions which I know would ultimately make me happier. I have so many emotional and personal thoughts on my mind and I'm just not sure how to handle them. I continue to beat myself up about some poor choices I've made. I'm willing to let go of some and yet can't or won't let go of others. There will be a price to pay no matter what I decide, so the fear of making some more bad decisions in my life keeps me somewhat frozen. It's disheartening, because along the way I've made so many decisions that I felt were the absolute right thing to do but time has proven me wrong. I've had SO many disappointments in the past few years and I've apparently caused disappointment as well for some people in my life. The logical, rational me understands things like that happen and you should move on. However, it's tough when you realize others don't see you as you see yourself. When others tag you with terms you deem derogatory or unpleasant that's a difficult one to deal with on any level. It's equally troubling to realize your impression of some people has been so off the mark as well, especially when I felt I was a really good judge of character. After all, the only person I can change is me. These changes can't and won't happen overnight. Everything else is beyond my control.
I find myself questioning the term 'unconditional love'. We all love to the degree our expectations are met and how we're made to feel.

1 comment:

Priscilla Mae et al said...

I have had a few nights like yours myself lately. The little mind just won't stop. My remedy .. move the furniture around or paint a wall or two. Doing something physical or creative clears the old cobwebs.